ponderdozedelight

I don’t know what it is about this place, but everytime I come here I feel myself getting sucked back into the small-town mentality.

I think, for a moment, wouldn’t everything be easier if I settled down here and had babies with some nice blue collar man and never lived more than ten minutes from my family?

And then I have this momentary sensation like I’m standing at the edge of the precipice, and my life if I stay here flashes before my eyes; and it’s missing something, something big.

And I remember my iPod full of international music, and how much I love speaking Korean and Spanish and the tiniest pinch of Thai, and how badly I want to stand on a hundred more beaches before I die.

And I realize I can’t. I can never really come back here.

And I can’t decide which is worse: That I really have no choice but to cut ties with my treacherously safe hometown, or that I would even consider staying in it after all I’ve been through.

Sometimes I have to remind myself to shut my mouth if what I’m about to say isn’t an improvement on silence.

Today was one of those days.

I don’t care if you move all my things around for no good reason and never let me have a word in edgewise and just generally drive me insane. 

You’re family, and that means that I am going to love you and support you,

flaws and quirks be damned.　

Sometimes I look back at the people I’ve been close with, and although I don’t feel regret, I’m shocked at what the fact that I had so much in common with them says about me.

There was a time once where I had this narrow-minded idea that everything that was happening in the present was everything; that every hobby and friendship and love would stand the test of time no matter how much everything else changed.

I almost want to laugh. 

Nothing is that cut and dry with me anymore; I’ve stopped considering tomorrow altogether, because I know there’s no possible way that I can predict it. Now if I love someone, good for me, and for us, and for that moment when I was able to love someone honestly; I don’t plan for ten years down the road anymore. I just try to soak up as much happiness as I possibly can in the moment, because I feel like its all that I have. 　

Misconceptions that piss me off:

-That the right formula for a relationship is Vapid, Virginal Female + Controlling, Douchebag Male

-That men do not appreciate strong, ambitious women

-That men are the only characters permitted to have baggage

-That anyone should set out in a relationship with the intent of “fixing” their significant other’s flaws or baggage

-That it’s okay to date a shitty person if you really think you’re some sort of special rainbow of goodness that can “fix” them

-That every woman who thinks that women should be ambitious and powerful thinks that men should be subordinate or less valued

-That tripping a lot, never swearing, and not being promiscuous or sexually experienced makes for the perfect woman

I could go on. 

Every now and then, I need a day all to myself. No people, no idle chatter, no demands. Just me, and any pointless, time-consuming activity of my choice.